
I'm sure you've probably come across someone in your life - or even yourself - who has made comments about mommy or daddy issues. While these are not very kind comments, there is some truth to them.
Although according to Attachment Theory, it's more like caregiver issues.
Attachment Theory as theorized by John Bowlby believed that the "extreme behaviors infants engage in to avoid separation from a parent or when reconnecting with a physically separated parent/caregiver—like crying, screaming, and clinging—were evolutionary mechanisms. Bowlby thought these behaviors had possibly been reinforced through natural selection and enhanced the child’s chances of survival."
These behaviors make up the "attachment behavioral system" that guides us in our patterns and habits of forming or maintaining relationships.
Based on the research of Mary Ainsworth, four different attachment styles were identified.
Secure/Autonomous Attachment
Develops when caregiver is regularly attuned, nurturing, and functions as a secure base, allowing infant to safely explore environment
Caregiver responsive and sensitive, infant learns to make meaning through both cognition/thoughts and emotion.
Typically have positive view of themselves and of others.
Experience low anxiety or low avoidance in relationships.
Characteristics of self-confidence and feeling comfortable within relationships and intimacy.
You may have a secure attachment style if you agree with any/all of the following statements:
"It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others."
"I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me."
"I don't worry about being alone or others not accepting me."
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment
Develops when caregiver is inconsistent. Parent sometimes distant/neglectful, sometimes intrusive, misattuned emotions.
Child often cycles rapidly between positive and negative feelings.
Learns to make meaning through feelings but not cognition/thoughts.
Beliefs such as “ I better exaggerate my needs to make sure someone will be there for me.”
Typically have a negative view of self but positive view of others.
Experience high anxiety and low avoidance in relationships.
Characteristics include: desired closeness and are worried about and/or preoccupied with relationships.
Has a fear of abandonment
You may have an anxious attachment style if you agree with the following statement:
"I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."

Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment
Develops when caregiver is chronically rejecting, withdrawn.
Overcontrolled emotions – child learns to minimize of cut off emotions and to “deactivate" the attachment need
Infant learns to make meaning through cognition/thoughts but not feelings
Beliefs such as “ I can’t get my real needs met, so better to not show them”
Typically have positive view of themselves but low view of others.
Experience high avoidance and low anxiety in relationships.
Characteristics include: very self-sufficient, hyperindependent, avoid emotional intimacy, and usually does not initiate or seek deep relationships.
Has a fear of closeness
You may have an avoidant attachment style if you agree with the following statements:
"It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient."
"I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me."
"I shouldn't depend on anyone else because people always let me down anyway."
Disorganized/Fearful Attachment
Develops when caregiver is frightening (abusive) or frightened (lack of protection, neglect, traumatized parent).
Parent/caregiver is both source of safety and danger. (trauma)
Child has no organized strategy for meaning-making.
Child often adapts by controlling other people or situations, often ends up looking like ODD, ADHD, aggressive behavior, other more severe diagnoses.
Typically have a negative view of themself and negative view of others.
Experience high anxiety and high avoidance in relationships.
Characteristics include: desired closeness but has a hard time trusting others, fears rejection and abandonment, and views other people as a potential threat.
You may have a disorganized/fearful attachment if you agree with any/all of the following statements:
“I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them."
"I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to other people."
"I feel very uncomfortable expressing affection or emotions to other people."
Regardless of your attachment style, there is good news!
Because we are biologically wired to connect, we are also biologically wired to heal. Attachment styles are not set in stone and can be changed. - Dr. Diane Heller
So why is this important? I'm so glad you asked!
Human attachment plays an essential role in our survival as babies as well as in our relationships and overall well-being later in life.
Since our attachment styles are formed so early, we neither remember much about this stage of development nor do we have control over it. Therefore, our attachment traits are typically subconscious and automatic.
As a consequence, we might find ourselves repeating the same unhealthy patterns - in our relationships with ourselves and with others - over and over again.
Attachment is important in understanding for relationships, intimacy, self-love, and our mental health!
There are many ways to better understand, learn, and heal through Attachment Theory! Therapy can be a fantastic resource as well as the resources listed below if therapy is not something you are interested in at this time.
Resources:
Therapy - give me a call or email to learn more about starting the therapeutic process.
www.theattachmentproject.com - a free quiz to learn about your attachment style!
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - a great book on attachment
The Power of Attachment: How to create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller - another fantastic book
Psychology in Seattle and Therapy Uncensored are podcasts that often talk about attachment
This was written by Kendal Gerrity, M.S., LMFT She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of Metamorphosis Therapeutic Counseling, LLC. She offers individual, family, and group counseling. Contact her today for a free phone consultation.
Phone: (256) 631-7898
E-mail: mtc@kendalgerrity.com
***Information used and included in the blog post was derived The Attachem,ent Project and from a training on Attachment Theory provided by Laura Booth, LPC and April Hallwell with The Balanced Life counseling center.
The Balanced Life - https://www.thebalancedlifellc.com located in Huntsville, AL
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