If I asked you to tell me what your definition of "friend" was what would you say?
Would you say that a friend is someone who goes with you to brunch on Sundays or knows all your good angles for your Instagram pics?
Think of your friends and the qualities they possess. Now think about your best friend and their traits. Are they different? How so?
Okay, now I want you to think about how your friends would describe you. What would they say?
Being a friend is different for many people. Some people want friends that they talk to every single day, and some people have best friends they only ever speak to every couple of weeks.
Social Media has a way of connecting people, but it can also change the way you see and believe things. Regardless of what you think a "friend" is here are three tips on how you can become a better friend.
Tip 1: LISTEN
A lot of times in conversation, we listen to the person talking, but only in a way, so we know how to respond.
Sometimes they aren't even done with what they are saying before we figure out what our reply will be.
Next time you are talking to someone, friend or otherwise, truly listen to what they are saying. Be present. Listen as a way to UNDERSTAND what they are saying, not just to reply.
Tip 2: CHECK-IN
You don't have to talk to someone every single day to be their friend. However, it is always a good idea to check in with them when it's been a while.
Even if it hasn't been all that long, check in with them anyway. Not everybody is comfortable reaching out when they need someone to talk to for risk of being vulnerable.
A lot of times people don't want to feel like a burden by reaching out when they need it. A person is much more likely to open up and talk about things that are bothering them when specifically asked by someone that cares about them.
Tip 3: PAY ATTENTION TO BODY LANGUAGE AND BUZZ WORDS
So, let's say you called, texted, or even Snapchatted your friend asking them how they are and they say "Oh, I'm fine." FINE is definitely a buzzword to look out for.
Don't get me wrong; they could totally be fine maybe 2% of the time. There's a joke I heard once that said: "When a woman tells you that she is fine, she is everything but fine."
Also, pay attention to your friend's body language. Of course, this is super hard to do if you aren't actually seeing them in person. However, if you are, be very mindful of their body language.
If their face is downturned, maybe they are crossing their arms or hunched over, or even more fidgety than usual then they might have something going on that is bothering them.
When you are checking in and listening, also be on the lookout for self-deprecating statements (this falls into the "buzz words" category). These could be similar to things like "Well I get why he broke up with me. It's probably because I'm fat." Or maybe, "Of course I wouldn't get the job. I'm not really good at anything."
Now if you are already implementing these things then give yourself a HECK YEAH for already being a better friend.
But, I bet when you think about all your friends you never include yourself. I mean why not though? You are awesome and like all those cool things like brunch and the beach. So, I challenge you to think of yourself as your friend.
Sometimes we are so quick to want to help and be there for others, but when it comes to ourselves, we are usually the ones saying "I'm fine."
Why not implement these three tips for being a better friend to yourself?
The skill of being mindful and self-aware is essential, and I bet if you truly took the time to LISTEN to yourself, CHECK IN with yourself often, and PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY LANGUAGE AND BUZZWORDS that you might start noticing a difference.
Now if you are thinking "Uhm, I have no clue what you are talking about, and that sounds kind of ridiculous" then let me break it down for you.
LISTEN to your own words when you are talking with someone else. Are you saying that everything is good, but you don't really feel that way?
CHECK-IN with yourself by taking a moment maybe every day or at least once a week to see where you are emotionally and mentally. Also, don't forget to validate yourself. You have a right to your feelings, and if you've had a bad day, that's okay. If you've had a great day, that's okay too. But, by checking in with yourself, you'll know where you stand.
PAY ATTENTION TO BODY LANGUAGE AND BUZZWORDS. Do you find yourself constantly making sarcastic comments that are also putting yourself down or picking on things you don't like about yourself? When you are talking to people, are you hunched over and basically trying to make yourself so small you disappear? Or are you sitting (or standing) there with your shoulders back and head held high?
Like with everything, practice makes perfect. But I urge you to try out these tips the next time you are talking with a friend or checking in with yourself.
I bet you just might notice a difference.
This was written by Kendal Gerrity, M.S. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of Metamorphosis Therapeutic Counseling, LLC. She offers individual, family, and group counseling. Contact her today for a free phone consultation. (256) 631-7898
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