Grief can be a funny thing, and I don’t mean funny as in “ha-ha.”
It’s more like a kick to the stomach or a slap to the face. It can sometimes be so painful that you have to laugh through the tears.
For a majority of people that I know when they think of grief and loss, their mind goes straight to death.
The death of a loved one or even just someone you know/knew is a HUGE precursor for grief.
I, myself, lost my father when I was young. I was about 12-years-old.
I wasn’t so young that I did not understand that I would never see him again, but also not quite old enough that I could truly wrap my mind around it.
I remember how awkward I felt when people gave me their condolences.
How angry I was that he was gone.
How empty I felt when people would try to comfort me by saying “ He loved you” or “He would be so proud of you.”
I still get that way sometimes, and he’s been gone for over half of my life now.
I even found myself trying to downplay my own emotions as not to make other people uncomfortable.
I think this hindered me from “moving on” for a long time.
I use quotations because you never really move on. I can now think about him and not completely break down. At least not always.
I can think back on happy memories and smile.
But I will never “move on” because that moment is now a part of me.
The moment my father passed away was a defining moment. It shaped the rest of my life.
I’m sure you have probably heard of Kubler Ross’s Stages of Grief.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Initially, these stages were formed for the person who was actually dying, not necessarily those left behind.
However, I can pinpoint every single one of these stages with such clarity that I went through.
Acceptance is such a powerful thing especially in the face of grief.
But it takes time.
Isn’t that so cliché?
It’ll get better over time.
After a while, it won’t hurt so bad.
All true, but doesn’t mean it makes it easier.
Because at that moment, your life can feel like it’s crumbling down around you.
What happens once that time has passed?
That is something I haven’t heard many people talk about. So, with time it won’t hurt so bad, right? But then what?
I can only speak personally, but I’ve noticed the reason time helped so much is because now I don’t remember as much.
It’s no longer at the forefront of my mind.
Don’t get me wrong, special days and holidays are sometimes like reopening that old wound.
His birthday. Christmas. My birthday, graduation, getting married… All things he would’ve been a huge part of.
It sucks.
Sometimes it just creeps up on you.
Out of nowhere, you get blindsided by those old feelings of grief because maybe you didn’t realize it was a special day.
Then you feel guilty.
Guilty because I didn’t remember how old he would have been.
Guilty because I don’t ever talk about him.
Guilty because I can’t even remember what he looks like sometimes.
Another layer is added to all those other feelings when struggling with grief.
But what about the other losses we face? Some on more of an everyday basis that can cause feelings of grief?
A breakup.
Loss of self.
A divorce.
Losing a job.
Moving away from home.
These are just some things that happen to people every single day. They might not seem necessarily important or significant but can cause symptoms of grief.
If you are a teenager or young adult – a breakup can honestly feel like the end of the world.
So many old breakups come to mind for me that I thought at the time would break me. I thought that I would NEVER be okay again. My sense of self was so wrapped up in the other person that it was really a double whammy.
I lost them, but I also lost myself.
When you are young, you are continually trying to find yourself and figure out who you are.
If you don’t have a decent idea of who that is, then it is easy to let a boyfriend/girlfriend or whoever you are dating at the time dictate who you think you are.
Divorce– it is no cake walk.
Take the aspects of a breakup, possibly add kids, and then times that by 100.
Talk about complicated grief. Or continuing grief.
If you had kids together, more than likely you still have to interact with them. It’s hard to get over something you still have to face.
The reason anger can be such a powerful force for moving on is because if you hate the person – you can convince yourself you are better off or that it’s ultimately a blessing.
But what happens if you can’t find any anger towards your ex? Let’s say they are the same person they were when you initially fell in love, but it just didn’t work out?
That is hardddddd to deal with.
Or even if you are angry and can “hate” them, you almost have to keep that to yourself for the sake of your kids.
If your kids are both you and your ex’s biological children, that means they are a product of half of you and half of them.
So, you can’t really talk crap or dog on your ex in front of your kids because that can lead to them internalizing that. After all, they are part of someone you “hate.”
A lot of times in instances of a breakup or divorce, you are just supposed to “get over it” or “move on” without being able to grieve properly.
Why is that? Why is it okay to grieve the loss of a loved one (through death) but not the loss of a loved one (through a breakup/divorce).
You have every right to take the time. You have every right to your feelings.
You have every right to grieve, regardless of the loss.
You have every right to seek help... so, take it if you need to.
Grief Recovery Hotline: 1 800 445 4808
National Suicide Prevention Number: 1 800 273 8255
National Suicide Prevention Online Chat: suicidepreventionlifeline.org
This was written by Kendal Gerrity, M.S. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of Metamorphosis Therapeutic Counseling, LLC. She offers individual, family, and group counseling. Contact her today for a free phone consultation.
(256) 631-7898 E-mail: mtc@kendalgerrity.com
Comments